Children on the playground shout, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
    It seems to me that’s simply not true. Have you noticed that it doesn’t take many words these days to get adults rattled, upset and defensive? Because we live in times of such uncertainty, we all have our personal list of topics that seem to readily push us into reacting and saying things that cause hurt feelings.
    Facing environmental issues, worries about the housing market, the economy, the war, homeland security, immigration, healthcare, social security -- you name it -- we are dealing with an onslaught of challenges. And how well are we communicating with each other?
    Schools are dealing with a rise in aggressive behavior called bullying.  Bullies are those who are quick to anger. Those who want to gain power over others by dominating them with verbal and emotional threats.
    Are bullying children a reflection of adults who dominate and disrespect? Are playground bullies sending us a loud and clear message that aggressive behavior is harmful to the health of everyone? That mean-spirited words do hurt?
    Special interest groups point fingers at one another, each accusing the other of being responsible for creating problems, while the red and blue contingents throw verbal sticks and accusatory stones at each other.
    Now is a good time to pay attention. As we watch presidential candidates campaign, we have an opportunity to see ourselves in action. We have the opportunity to observe the power of words, to notice the choice of words, and to pay attention to our responses.
    The candidates afford us a view of how we communicate individually and as a nation. Let’s pay attention. Let’s see if we can find a way to become a more gently spirited people.
    One would hope that the candidates’ intentions -- our intentions -- are not to hurt each other. Yet, watch as we readily slip into aggressive behavior, calling each other names, pointing out errors while we attempt to demean each other in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.
    I don’t know about you, but I find myself cringing when I hear candidates’ uttering words meant to undercut the integrity of another candidate. I find myself cringing when news commentators’ use words that are unnecessarily critical, words that evoke negative emotional responses, and words that are intended to undermine our perception of a candidate.
    Our species thrives on love, affection, kindness, encouragement and appreciation. We wither when the emphasis is on discouragement, judgment, criticism, resentment and blame.
    Choosing words that nurture our tender hearts can become a daily practice. Instead of engaging in political banter that may well lead to conflict, notice when your jaws become tight and your heart begins to race. That’s a good time to say, “I think I would prefer to talk about something else,” or, “I am going to leave this conversation to the rest of you and I’ll head home.”
    We are adults. Encountering disagreements can be an opportunity to enjoy contrasts, to consider new ideas, to taste something different. If we all think the same and agree, life becomes stagnant. Rubbing up against our differences allows us to spark new ideas. Listening with interest, rather than aggressively moving toward dominating another, creates goodwill.
    Lively and meaningful discussions are very different from those where people are talking over each other. Next time you are sitting on the edge of your seat and can hardly wait to have your turn at speaking, experiment. Pause before entering the conversation. Notice what happens. Notice who takes your place. Notice where the conversation goes.
    Lively and meaningful discussions evolve more deeply when we are willing to experiment with how we participate. Instead of making a statement, ask a question. Instead of giving advice, ask the person, “Have you considered _____?”
    Most importantly, we can become aware of our intentions. Before engaging with another, we might ask ourselves, “What is my intention?” When we feel we are right and the other person is wrong, we can practice holding back from saying what we were going to say. If we say something and then realize that we intended our words to hurt another person, it’s an opportunity to acknowledge what we did and be courageous enough to apologize for our intents. There is nothing more heart connecting than someone who is willing to be honest.
    Let sticks and stones be reminders that words do hurt, and let our words be building blocks to becoming more gentle people – more caring toward one another.

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Published in the Sequim Gazette, January 2008.   Visit Ruth's website at www.drruthmarcus.com.